My New Toy!

Weeee! Look what we got!

Thoughts Right Now

Well, I got my surgery this month, finally! Wooo! Surprisingly, there were no complications, which is just so not my style. Unless you count the job "hiccup" that happened just before hand. See I got a new job in January thanks to a friend who put in a word for me. It was a sweet job, the work was simple, the people were great and the pay was the cherry on the cake.

The woman who hired me said she'd like to "give me a try" for a few weeks and see how things go. A week later I got my surgery date, which was stupidly enough only another week after that. So essentially what it came down to is that I was going to be at the new job for two weeks and then need a week off for recovery. They knew that this was a possibility when they hired me and it seemed that it wasn't going to be an issue until the end of the second week. On the Friday she decided that I didn't "fit" after all, and she told me I didn't seem to be adjusting well and she thought that the job might just be too stressful for me which is bull as I twiddled my thumbs most of my time because I didn't have enough to do.

Anyway, she let me go, but what still boggles my mind is why she did this the day after she had me fill out all the company paperwork ... that to me is a sign that they were happy with me and ready to keep me on. But whatever, I'm not fretting over it, I just felt bad for my friend as she put in the word for me and then they did this. So I'm back on the job hunt .. wooo! It's not been looking too promising so far as there either haven't been many listings or when they are they require something that I can't provide, like speaking Mandarin ... apparently they need a lot of administrative assistants in Toronto right now that can speak Mandarin.

So I've been killing most of my time playing video games and puzzling on Puzzle Pirates with my pirate mates. It's starting to get to me, as I get antsy when I don't have enough to do with myself during the day. I tend to slip downward on the depression slope a bit, sometimes a lot, but I'm trying to control it. I suppose I could finish cleaning and organizing my apartment ... but I HATE my apartment so why do I want to make it more liveable when I'm squirming to find somewhere else to live?

So what else is going on lately. Hubby is working on a major website project for the Pillow Fight League which is cool, and means that we are going to be getting a new computer this week. It's about freakin time! I so want to toss this one out the window ... well given that I live in a basement that wouldn't do much damage but I think you get the point.

I also managed to FINALLY track down an old friend of mine I've been trying to find for a while now. I'm so excited and I can't wait to get together and see him again. He was in my wedding party and I haven't seen him since, which is just sad.

Well, guess that's it for now. Who knows when I'll be back again, I don't exactly have a good track record but it's fun when I do get here. Maybe next time I'll have another new job ... hopefully one that will stick this time.

Cheers

Got a Bowling Ball in my Stomach

It's funny how life can just suddenly sweep up and blow past you in a blink of an eye. So much as happened, as it always seems to do in my life. Last time I posted, things seemed to be going well, good as planned, and my hopes had returned. Then I started to get sick again. It seemed for the longest time to just be a pain in the ass, recurring thing that would eventually go away. However, that was not the case, lucky me! Turns out I had pancreatitis ... yippie! A week in the hospital, whole bunches of morphine and I'm still waiting for surgery.

The best part though, had to be that a week before I ended up in hospital, I got fired from my job. Okay so that isn't the best part, the best part is how stupid my former employers showed themselves to be. The fired me for taking too many sick days. They were heading into their busiest season and needed someone "reliable" who could be in attendance 100% of the time. First of all ... I don't care who you are, you will never find someone to work for you who will NEVER be sick, or NEVER require a day off.

So then, my boss decides that as a gesture of good will towards me, she will allow me to stay on at work for the remainder of the month (October) in order to help me out by keeping me with an income while I look for a new job. What she didn't tell me is that I would be training my replacement, which wouldn't have bothered me so much except that they had already hired her! My boss had this whole conversation with me one hour before close on a Thursday, and my replacement was coming in for training at 11am the next day! Even under proper circumstances (where I wasn't being fired) that is not enough time to prepare to train someone for that position.

So I bit my tongue and did what I could to train this poor girl. My boss decided to tell everyone that I quit, instead of being fired so that "no one would gossip about me" ... ?? Seriously, in the end, who would end up looking worse as the result of such "gossip"? Me? No, I don't think so, I think it would have been them. So I told everyone the truth. Fuck em I say! And I was right, they looked like the asses, not me.

Getting back to the good part ... a week after they fired me, while I'm still training this girl, I wake up in such pain that I give my husband two options, get me to a hospital NOW or kill me fast! So, we get to hospital, and with a little projectile vomiting at triage, I got fast tracked into a bed in emerg. 12 hours later, I'm being checked in to GI Oncology with enough Morphine and Gravol in my system to kill a horse, being told I need surgery. My gallbladder has to be removed because it is shooting gallstones into my pancreas and causing my pancreas to inflame and be so infected that my body isn't processing a single thing that I've been putting into it for the last few months, and lastly, my liver has also developed fatty tissue.

So the liver situation isn't bad, and the doctors think it will reverse itself eventually. However, until the gallbladder is removed, I'm looking at a revolving situation of pain mass indigestion until the surgery ... which we don't know when is happening yet ... go Ontario health system!!

I have to say though, calling my boss while pumped full of drugs and telling her all this made the pain worth it! She was actually speechless and I could hear the "oh my god, I feel like such an ass for firing you now" wheels turning in her head. Teeheeheehee.

Well ... that's enough for me today. There will be more soon, I got tons of therapy revelations that have come to the surface lately, as well as the whole "what do I do for work now" thing that is developing.

It's Been a Long Time

I have been just a little bit busy ... so much so that I haven't really had much time for much of anything since my last post. However, I have decided it is time to have a celebration. I'm planning a party, a party for me, for many, many reasons.

The last 3 and a half years have not been easy, but they are beginning to let me tuck them away behind me where they belong. I'm coming out of my darkness and remembering what it is like to stand on my own ground again. I am becoming healthy and well again.

I have managed to find and hold a steady full time job again. It's been 3 months now and I think it is safe to say that I'm pretty comfortable there and that I'm not going to succumb to stress and depression again. Especially since have of that time I ended up having to work 7 day weeks, while I was fighting some bizarre physical illness and made it out to the other end with a smile on my face.

I have lost about 40 pounds. Mind you it was not the healthiest way of losing weight, slowly starving myself, however, once I realized the problem, I fixed the issues without regaining the weight I had lost.

I have 3 past birthdays to re-celebrate. I'm 28 years old, and although I will remember my 28th birthday, I have no real memories from the three before. So in one celebration, I will reclaim 25, 26 and 27 and officially claim 28.

I have been able to face my past and come to terms with all that happened, leaving the events in the past in the past.

My depressions have disconnected me from my friends by making me fairly anti-social, and it is time to re-aquatint myself with all those who I have unintentionally pushed away.

I'm sure there are more reasons that I will think of between now and the time I have my Celebration, but I think that is enough for just about anyone. For all my dear friends that I have invited to join me and sent this link to read, there are further explanations of all the above if you keep reading. In the meantime, I can not wait to see you all!

I Have Crawled My Way Back

It's been about a month since my last post, a little more. Those first 9 applications snowballed into a countless number. I think it was the second week of November when I got the first call for an interview. The job was only part time, and was a little far away, but after three years being essentially out of the work force, it couldn't hurt to go could it?

Later that day came the second call. This one was full time, and much closer to home. The interview had also been scheduled before the one that had called prior. It was the next day that I was off to meet my potential new boss, right after a trip to the psychiatrist.

My doctor really threw me for a loop that day. She was under complete shock, speechless shock of my appearance. I was dressed professionally, my hair was done, my make up was done, and I even had high heels on. She couldn't believe what she was seeing as she looked at me. She told me that I was a beautiful girl and that I had been hiding it all this time. I laughed it off that day, but I thought about it later and realized she was right. I've been hiding myself not only mentally and emotionally but physically as well. Under bulky clothes, under hats and hair pulled back and up, tucked away. Behind my glasses and my body language.

But that day there was something different about me, and it wasn't just the clothes and the make up. My confidence was back. I nailed the job interview and started three days later. All of a sudden whole pieces of me that have been hiding and dormant for so long jumped out and bloomed again. It's funny how fast your life can change.

Within a week, my husband and I were discussing how much of a change there had been in my personality and how unbelievable it all seemed. A month later it is still a little disturbing, how quick the changes came. How quick my life turned around, how fast the depression seemed to fall away and the financial stress released.

I'm far from the end of my journey, and I will continue to be in recovery for sometime I'm sure. However, I feel like I can see the horizon again through the fog. I have a lot of still to do and a number of life skills that I have to relearn, it's just so much closer to my reach now.

Still, every new movement will be made with a handful of caution. I'm optimistic, but I'm going to be careful. I saw how fast everything has changed for me in the last month, and it only serves as a reminder of how fast I can lose it all again if I make a wrong move.

I'm not completely on my feet yet, I'm still slightly crawling. But the view from my knees looks a thousand times better than the view from the floor. And the breeze is blowing around me again.

A Bliss Of Another Kind?

Something is spurring me on, and I have my theories, but I also have a fear.

I applied for nine jobs today, which is a huge step for me. I've broken out of the fear of leaving the house, the insecurity of being able to work and I've put my toes in the water. Whether I get nibbled by a friendly dolphin or bit by a shark is something I have to wait and see about.

There are many valid reasons why I could suddenly have made this 180 and made the decision to go back to work. I was away for some time and that distance provides great perspective, and during that time, I just found myself thinking of working again, without the angst and worry that usually accompanies that thought. There are also the financial pressures that I have in my life. Let's face it, I can't be unemployed forever, we can't afford it financially and it's not fair to my husband to have to carry that extra burden.

However, it is my fear that has me thinking and second guessing now. That fear is that maybe I'm in some sort of a mania period and that's where the energy and the spur to do this is coming from. Then I worry about what will happen when I come down from that mania .. it's an endless circle of what ifs and anxiety. But what if it isn't a mania, what if its a healing ... part of me ready for life again? I'm not going to know until I try, and if I'm in a mania period that I can't identify, I'll come down when it's time to come down. In the meantime, I really do feel a strange sense of bliss.

Winter May Be Coming, But Am I Just Waking Up?

It has been quite some time since my last post, however I have been doing a lot of thinking and work on myself back here. I finally quit my job, which was a great source of stress in my life, not only to myself, but also a slight strain on my marriage. After that, I decided I just needed to get a way for a while, and just step out of my life to better have a look at it. Lucky for me, my parents live only a 2 hour drive away, and that is a very easy thing to do, they are more than welcome to have me when I need a break.

So I spent 3 weeks away from home, away from my husband, away from the house and all the little tiny things that cause me stress every single day, and it felt wonderful. In fact, I became so relaxed that I completely lost the ability to comprehend the passage of time. Hours and days would flip past, and I never knew the date and never worried about the time. If I was up until 3am or slept until 2pm, I didn't care, it didn't matter.

I kept busy while I was gone, I was always doing something, even if it was simply reading a book or as trivial as playing a video game. We even redecorated my brothers room while I was there ... the painting took 5 days to finish and my body was aching beyond belief but it was great! I never stop thinking about my situation though, and I was continuously reflecting on my life and where my next step should take me. I've realized that I think I'm ready to go back to work full time. This is a huge step forward for me, one I've been terrified to take for years. Maybe it won't work, maybe it will, the only way to know is to try, and I'm ready to try.

So job hunting I go, which should be great fun! We'll just have to see where this takes me now. I'm back on uncharted waters, only this time, I'm not letting my fear get the best of me.

Here In My Head (Part Two)

There is so much more to lay out on the table, I have decided to break it up into multiple posts. Today I have been meditating a lot on my emotional state and my spirituality.

The Bi-Polar has not only been a catalyst that has cut me off from those around me, it has cut me off from myself. I have pulled so far back, I often can't find the proper words to describe the emotional states that I experience during my episodes. Spiritually, I feel as though I have fallen so far off the path that I am looking for the beginning again.

Recently I have come to realize the the work required for me to repair my disconnected emotional state and my lost spiritual feeling are very connected. I am Wiccan, and the pleasures and energies I can feel from the simplest things in nature can carry me on an emotional high for days, when I am in tune with my spirituality. Having disconnected from so many of my emotions during the duration of my illness, I have lost that ability, and it brings me great sadness.

I can spend many days inside my home, a small basement apartment without a lot of natural light, and not even realize the passage of time. Events occur around me, things that I should be excited about or anticipating, sometimes with hardly a recognition. When I feel an episode coming on, what I'm experiencing feels so familiar, and the name of it all seems to be on the tip of my tongue but I just can't get it out.

I have begun meditation again. Nothing fancy, just contemplation, opening my mind again. I have pulled out my books and am re-reading many of the books that taught me the knowledge of my Spiritual path that I once knew so well.

It is too early to say if any of these efforts are bearing fruit. Yet, I do feel a new spark in me, a small but strong fire. Perhaps it is my will resurfacing from where ever I have kept in locked away these past few years, grabbing control again instead of succumbing to every mood swing and whim of my illness.