A Bliss Of Another Kind?

Something is spurring me on, and I have my theories, but I also have a fear.

I applied for nine jobs today, which is a huge step for me. I've broken out of the fear of leaving the house, the insecurity of being able to work and I've put my toes in the water. Whether I get nibbled by a friendly dolphin or bit by a shark is something I have to wait and see about.

There are many valid reasons why I could suddenly have made this 180 and made the decision to go back to work. I was away for some time and that distance provides great perspective, and during that time, I just found myself thinking of working again, without the angst and worry that usually accompanies that thought. There are also the financial pressures that I have in my life. Let's face it, I can't be unemployed forever, we can't afford it financially and it's not fair to my husband to have to carry that extra burden.

However, it is my fear that has me thinking and second guessing now. That fear is that maybe I'm in some sort of a mania period and that's where the energy and the spur to do this is coming from. Then I worry about what will happen when I come down from that mania .. it's an endless circle of what ifs and anxiety. But what if it isn't a mania, what if its a healing ... part of me ready for life again? I'm not going to know until I try, and if I'm in a mania period that I can't identify, I'll come down when it's time to come down. In the meantime, I really do feel a strange sense of bliss.