A Bliss Of Another Kind?

Something is spurring me on, and I have my theories, but I also have a fear.

I applied for nine jobs today, which is a huge step for me. I've broken out of the fear of leaving the house, the insecurity of being able to work and I've put my toes in the water. Whether I get nibbled by a friendly dolphin or bit by a shark is something I have to wait and see about.

There are many valid reasons why I could suddenly have made this 180 and made the decision to go back to work. I was away for some time and that distance provides great perspective, and during that time, I just found myself thinking of working again, without the angst and worry that usually accompanies that thought. There are also the financial pressures that I have in my life. Let's face it, I can't be unemployed forever, we can't afford it financially and it's not fair to my husband to have to carry that extra burden.

However, it is my fear that has me thinking and second guessing now. That fear is that maybe I'm in some sort of a mania period and that's where the energy and the spur to do this is coming from. Then I worry about what will happen when I come down from that mania .. it's an endless circle of what ifs and anxiety. But what if it isn't a mania, what if its a healing ... part of me ready for life again? I'm not going to know until I try, and if I'm in a mania period that I can't identify, I'll come down when it's time to come down. In the meantime, I really do feel a strange sense of bliss.

Winter May Be Coming, But Am I Just Waking Up?

It has been quite some time since my last post, however I have been doing a lot of thinking and work on myself back here. I finally quit my job, which was a great source of stress in my life, not only to myself, but also a slight strain on my marriage. After that, I decided I just needed to get a way for a while, and just step out of my life to better have a look at it. Lucky for me, my parents live only a 2 hour drive away, and that is a very easy thing to do, they are more than welcome to have me when I need a break.

So I spent 3 weeks away from home, away from my husband, away from the house and all the little tiny things that cause me stress every single day, and it felt wonderful. In fact, I became so relaxed that I completely lost the ability to comprehend the passage of time. Hours and days would flip past, and I never knew the date and never worried about the time. If I was up until 3am or slept until 2pm, I didn't care, it didn't matter.

I kept busy while I was gone, I was always doing something, even if it was simply reading a book or as trivial as playing a video game. We even redecorated my brothers room while I was there ... the painting took 5 days to finish and my body was aching beyond belief but it was great! I never stop thinking about my situation though, and I was continuously reflecting on my life and where my next step should take me. I've realized that I think I'm ready to go back to work full time. This is a huge step forward for me, one I've been terrified to take for years. Maybe it won't work, maybe it will, the only way to know is to try, and I'm ready to try.

So job hunting I go, which should be great fun! We'll just have to see where this takes me now. I'm back on uncharted waters, only this time, I'm not letting my fear get the best of me.