I Have Crawled My Way Back

It's been about a month since my last post, a little more. Those first 9 applications snowballed into a countless number. I think it was the second week of November when I got the first call for an interview. The job was only part time, and was a little far away, but after three years being essentially out of the work force, it couldn't hurt to go could it?

Later that day came the second call. This one was full time, and much closer to home. The interview had also been scheduled before the one that had called prior. It was the next day that I was off to meet my potential new boss, right after a trip to the psychiatrist.

My doctor really threw me for a loop that day. She was under complete shock, speechless shock of my appearance. I was dressed professionally, my hair was done, my make up was done, and I even had high heels on. She couldn't believe what she was seeing as she looked at me. She told me that I was a beautiful girl and that I had been hiding it all this time. I laughed it off that day, but I thought about it later and realized she was right. I've been hiding myself not only mentally and emotionally but physically as well. Under bulky clothes, under hats and hair pulled back and up, tucked away. Behind my glasses and my body language.

But that day there was something different about me, and it wasn't just the clothes and the make up. My confidence was back. I nailed the job interview and started three days later. All of a sudden whole pieces of me that have been hiding and dormant for so long jumped out and bloomed again. It's funny how fast your life can change.

Within a week, my husband and I were discussing how much of a change there had been in my personality and how unbelievable it all seemed. A month later it is still a little disturbing, how quick the changes came. How quick my life turned around, how fast the depression seemed to fall away and the financial stress released.

I'm far from the end of my journey, and I will continue to be in recovery for sometime I'm sure. However, I feel like I can see the horizon again through the fog. I have a lot of still to do and a number of life skills that I have to relearn, it's just so much closer to my reach now.

Still, every new movement will be made with a handful of caution. I'm optimistic, but I'm going to be careful. I saw how fast everything has changed for me in the last month, and it only serves as a reminder of how fast I can lose it all again if I make a wrong move.

I'm not completely on my feet yet, I'm still slightly crawling. But the view from my knees looks a thousand times better than the view from the floor. And the breeze is blowing around me again.