Here In My Head (Part Two)

There is so much more to lay out on the table, I have decided to break it up into multiple posts. Today I have been meditating a lot on my emotional state and my spirituality.

The Bi-Polar has not only been a catalyst that has cut me off from those around me, it has cut me off from myself. I have pulled so far back, I often can't find the proper words to describe the emotional states that I experience during my episodes. Spiritually, I feel as though I have fallen so far off the path that I am looking for the beginning again.

Recently I have come to realize the the work required for me to repair my disconnected emotional state and my lost spiritual feeling are very connected. I am Wiccan, and the pleasures and energies I can feel from the simplest things in nature can carry me on an emotional high for days, when I am in tune with my spirituality. Having disconnected from so many of my emotions during the duration of my illness, I have lost that ability, and it brings me great sadness.

I can spend many days inside my home, a small basement apartment without a lot of natural light, and not even realize the passage of time. Events occur around me, things that I should be excited about or anticipating, sometimes with hardly a recognition. When I feel an episode coming on, what I'm experiencing feels so familiar, and the name of it all seems to be on the tip of my tongue but I just can't get it out.

I have begun meditation again. Nothing fancy, just contemplation, opening my mind again. I have pulled out my books and am re-reading many of the books that taught me the knowledge of my Spiritual path that I once knew so well.

It is too early to say if any of these efforts are bearing fruit. Yet, I do feel a new spark in me, a small but strong fire. Perhaps it is my will resurfacing from where ever I have kept in locked away these past few years, grabbing control again instead of succumbing to every mood swing and whim of my illness.