This Mountain of a Mole Hill

I watched two documentaries tonight, one on the separatist movement and referendum in Quebec and the other on the exorcism of a boy in 1949 that inspired the book and movie The Exorcist. Somehow I've found a theme here between these shows and my thoughts. Then again, maybe I just think too much.

I did a lot of thinking today, about myself, my place in the world, where I am in my life, where I'm going and how I'm going to get there. Then came the inevitable thoughts of all the obstacles that I can already see in the road. It's been two and a half years since I was officially diagnosed with Rapid Cycling Bi-Polar Spectrum Disorder, but most days, I don't feel like I've made any head way in all that time. My life is literally split is so many ways that I think my brain has started to block some of them out so I won't have to deal with too much at once. The hyper mania/depressive behaviors of the illness is a given, the ones that get to me the most are who I was and who the illness has made me become, what I'm doing in life and what I should be doing if I wasn't sick, where I am in "the plan" for myself and where I wanted to be by now.

I feel like my life stopped three years ago, it started to slow down, gradually getting slower and slower until it came to a full stop. On the other hand, as my life was stopping, I was spinning out of control. Sure, things are better than they were, I know what is wrong with me, and I'm being treated but it is an endless uphill battle on a very slippery slope. I've spent the better part of the last three years waiting for the answers to come to me, waiting for the cure to find me, to wake up one morning and just be myself again. I have sat myself down in a comfortable corner, built up some walls, cut myself off from the world, keeping just enough contact to keep myself convinced that I was fine, and I have been attempting to wait my illness out.

When you realize that you have been deluding yourself, or convincing yourself of something that isn't true, it hits like an icy wave of water. You feel paralyzed for a while, trying to figure out why you did it in the first place or why it took you so long to see what was plainly in front of you, especially if others around you were pointing it out along the way. I have had a few of these revelations over the last several weeks. I've kept myself convinced that the problems I'm facing aren't so bad, they are a mole hill instead of the mountain I face in reality. In trying to cope with the revelations, I am here, sharing my thoughts, my secrets, my pain, my glories with whoever will read it.

I'm pulling the poison out of my system letter by letter, and it is not easy. I won't lie to you, I am having a very difficult time writing all of this, I had a very difficult time even just starting this blog. I had to take many deep breaths, much like I was plunging into another icy wave at each step. However, I now feel like I can't turn back, like it's easier to keep swimming forward than to turn around and head back to shore.

Maybe tomorrow I'll find the strength that I thought I had today, the strength to lay it all out on the line for all to see, those waves of revelations I mentioned, the obstacles that are standing in my path, and the secrets that have laid buried in my past for so long.